Conflict Unraveled: Fixing problems at work and in families
by Andra Medea
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Book Summary Information
Author: Andra MedeaEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2005-06-15
ISBN: 0974580805
Number of pages: 264
Publisher: PivotPoint Press
Book Reviews of Conflict Unraveled: Fixing problems at work and in families
Book Review: Brilliant *and* practical
Summary: 5 Stars
As a human resources professional and president of my local SHRM affiliate chapter, I've lately been very interested in learning about conflict management. As with any job dealing with people, conflict management can be a huge part of my position.I was delighted and surprised by Andra Medea's book, Conflict Unraveled. Although I am a fairly fast reader, I was forced to slow down while reading this book because it constantly identified conflicts and problems I see daily at work in my co-workers, supervisors, and even at home with my own family---and happily, the solutions.
Though the book is solidly grounded on theory and successful tactics used by such luminaries as Bevel, Nash, and other civil rights activists, for me the best thing about the book is all the practical advice it offers. Several real-life examples offered in the book have really stuck with me---for instance, I can still vividly imagine, as described in one chapter, the author successfully facing down an angry, blustering man who had hit her car. If I don't remember anything else from the book, I will remember the tactic she used!
The book is also wonderfully full of common sense. You will be on both sides of the table, so to speak (the confronting one and/or the one being confronted) many times in your life, and Medea recognizes this. She offers tools to keep you from embarrassing yourself when you get angry (and not wanting to go back into the office the next day because of it), and techniques to help you deal with a person on the other side of your desk who is in a rage. Anger and conflict is natural, she reminds us; furthermore, it's chemical. Hard to deal with hormones or adrenaline, yes---but Medea offers practical tips which can really work if you have the discipline to use them---or at least have the tenacity to keep trying to use them!
Some gems:
1. "Flooding [adrenaline] shorts out most of the higher parts of the brain... the first step in managing conflict is to be braced for this chemical onslaught, because it will undermine every other useful skill you own."
2. "You may have found yourself in the surreal position of agreeing with someone who's yelling at you, saying everything she could want to hear, and still have her keep shouting as if you disagreed." (I have, many times.)
3. "Consider these skills when compared to negotiation. Accusation, manipulation and whining are all ways to score points or get things without offering anything worthwhile in return."
4. "The solution for the good guys at level three [blind behavior/anger] is exactly the same as for bad guys: you must become aware of your own behavior. ...Your own behavior can get you out of this. No one can do it for you."
5. "Some people will never give up the fight. Isolate them."
6. "Baron von Clausewitz, the military theorist, realized that it wasn't enough to focus on an opponent's weakness. The opponent could always improve a weakness, protect it or turn it into a strength. Instead, von Clausewitz suggested to focus on their strengths, because an opponent could never abandon a strength. The strength was an essential part of who they were."
Medea also breaks conflict down into different categories, in which some tactics work, and some do not. Primate signals (an interesting chapter!), for instance, work well in all types of conflict, from problem-solving to the most severe (tyranny/predation).
She also makes some interesting distinctions in types of workplaces and their leaders, and there's a long discussion on direct communication versus indirect communication that very much held my interest. I'm a direct communicator, as are most of my co-workers, but we have one superior who is indirect. That alone has led to a great deal of conflict. Thanks to the book, I'm ready to try out some new communication techniques that may work more successfully than what I have been trying.
It is very rare that I rate any book five stars. (At this point, I have only given one other book five stars.) This one deserves all five of those stars. Definitely worth the money.
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