Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds
by Beverly Flanigan
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Book Summary Information
Author: Beverly FlaniganEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 1994-06-01
ISBN: 0020322305
Number of pages: 288
Publisher: Wiley
Book Reviews of Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds
Book Review: "Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past"
Summary: 5 Stars
Have you ever been betrayed by a loved one? Had your heart hurt so badly so long as you dwelled on the reason for the betrayal? Did your heart hurt badly enough until it became physical pain? Did it hurt so horribly that you imagined it would stop but sadly it didn't? Then this book is for you.
The author of this book is not an amateur who, seeking profit, wrote a number of books on the subject. Flanigan.is a therapist, who devoted her career of over twenty years to this subject. Also, this book is a result of a multiple year study on a large number of patients who experienced moral injuries.
What is very refreshing about this book is the Author's realistic description of a moral injury. . Not all injured people are innocent victims, some of them accept their responsibility and faults in the relationship, but still hurt for being betrayed by a loved one. The moral injuries discussed don't apply only to male/female intimate relationships, but to family members, friends and any person with whom a close relationship required or implied a mutual moral code.
What hurts the most is that the offender has been chosen and loved by the offended. The pain is exacerbated because the offender has in their mind justified and excused all their actions and exonerated themselves.
Reading about the symptoms that the injured can experience, will help any person suffering through the pain realize that they have not yet lost their mind. In an effort to cope with the loss and in a desperate hopeless attempt to right the wrong, a person might experience: endless nights of sleep loss, rapid weight loss, heavy drinking, endless crying spells, crazy calls begging or blaming the offender, and loss of friends and family over not ending the cycle of pain and grieving. The offended will experience a mix of feelings: anger, hate, love, guilt, and even repeated hot physical interactions with the betraying ex or partner, followed by long crying spells. After all, the overwhelming feelings are accompanied by a strong need to reclaim what once belonged to the hurt person, especially if he/she was betrayed by and ex or a spouse.
Flanigan pointedly says that the injured will experience disbelief and will feel betrayed by the whole world. The feelings of being let down will become so intense and painful that the injured feels his/her core beliefs have failed them. According to Flanigan; the only way to recover from the shock is to accept this change to one's moral values. This particular point led to many reviewers attacking Flanigan, arguing that the offender not the values is what caused the injury.
I think what Flanigan intended is accepting that our values no longer apply to the relationship with the offender, and are still good moral values. If we accept that our values have been violated and assaulted, that doesn't harm the values, but rather the image of the offender. After all; Love is the rule, and betrayal is the exception.
The seemingly infinite cycle of pain, guilt, anger and even love becomes so draining that it needs to be broken by any means possible before it destroys the injured emotionally. That is when it is imperative that a choice be taken between forgiveness and forgetfulness. As humans, none of us have the capacity or the privilege to forgive others; I think that's God's right not humans. However, we can choose to forgive ourselves and move on with a permanent scar on our heart.
Read this book and see if it works. If you can forgive the offender, then more power to you. If you can not forgive the offender then it might help if you forgive yourself for your weakness, for not seeing all the screaming writing on the walls, and for keeping the offender around after the betrayal. If you were injured by a loved one, it's not easy to forgive, as Lord Chesterfield said: "Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it forever". The truth though is that we need to forgive ourselves, and this book will help. If you are an offender, you need not read this book. Sadly, you have concocted your own reality and forgiven yourself.
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