Getting to 'I Do' by Pat Allen, Sandra Harmon Summary and Reviews
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Book Reviews of Getting to 'I Do'
Book Review: John Gray (Mars-Venus) slightly expanded
Summary: 2 Stars
This book basically continues the current pop psychology fad of encouranging polarized (traditional) gender roles as a means to make relationships work, at least in the early stages (e.g., Mars and Venus on a Date, The Rules, etc.). The one unique twist (and the reason I gave 2 stars instead of 1) is that either the man or woman can assume the "masculine" or "feminine" energy, as long as each chooses the complement of the other and stays consistent.As a single woman in my 30s, I am extremely interested in finding the key(s) to a lasting, loving relationship. I am also not above using tactical methods! However, as a woman also with not just a career but a feeling of calling, I seem to fall into the masculine energy as often as the feminine, in my life at large as much as in my work. The author defines this use of both masculine and feminine as "narcissistic" and STRONGLY states that one CANNOT have a relationship at all if one insists on remaining this way.
Theoretically (I have an MA in Developmental Psychology), I am wondering in general what happened to the sex role research of Sandra Bem in the 80s, which demonstrated that relationship satisfaction/success was INCREASED when one or both parteners were "psychologically androgynous" (had both masculine and feminine characteristics). The most difficulty occurred in relationships where both partners were strongly sex typed. I am also not comfortable with this author's appeal to Jungian theory to back up her claims. The existence of the masculine and feminine archetypes does NOT necessarily imply that we must identify mainly with only one or the other. In fact, as with other archetypes, it probably implies the opposite -- that psychological health involves access to the full range of human potentialities.
But most of all, from a practical standpoint, I despair of ever being able to achieve the strict choice of femininity or masculinity that she states is necessary, and therefore in her world, of ever having the relationship I dream of!
Evidently this kind of thinking is filling a need among singles, given its popularity. In the meantime I will have to be myself and wait for the pendulum swing back....
Book Review: Legend has it you will find your mate within months of reading this book, and I did.
Summary: 5 Stars
I have a huge bookshelf stocked with spiritual books focusing on masculine-feminine energy polarity, and when my elder Russian bikini-waxer recommended this one, I was quick to pass judgment on the source of the recommendation, assuming that she didn't know what it was like to be a single woman in her 30's, and that this would just be yet another book stating the same things I already knew. I had just been broken up with, and she claimed that a former client had come in one day to tell her how she read this book and met her fiance 5 months later, and from then on, she had begun recommending it to all her single clients seeking a mate. Allegedly all of them had fallen in love soon afterward. Well, the book was only $10, and I justified ordering it by claiming it was for research purposes. It was a good read, and framed things I had read before, in books by people like David Deida and Rori Raye, in new and practical ways. Also, Pat Allen likely inspired many of the authors whose books on the topic fill my shelves, as she was one of the first to begin writing about the practical applications of working with masculine-feminine energy. But the clincher is that within a few weeks I met my significant other. I can't say for sure if it was the book, but who knows? It certainly didn't hurt, and much of the advice it provides is worth taking. Worth a read!Book Review: Life Changing
Summary: 5 Stars
I'm what you call a serial monogamist. I have always had boyfriends. Some for a year, two years, etc. I have a great social life, I am successful and very attractive. I have never had a problem meeting, dating or having long and honest relationships with men. But, something happened in my late 20's. There I was, 27, single (for a minute), living in New York, working in the fashion industry and my clock went off-I wanted to find a partner for life, I wanted to find my husband. Now, this was very different than having a boyfriend, this was the big leagues. I didn't have any clue how I needed to go about this.
"Getting to I Do" catalogued various relationship scenarios, where the authors pointed out what worked and what didn't. I have to be honest, being a self-supportive "modern woman", I at first thought that the simplistic illustrations of male/female dynamics were really old-fashioned and that I might as well just talk it out with my grandmother. But, the book went way beyond just designating roles. For me it helped me to embrace the woman I was and to understand the relationship dynamic I wanted to have.
The book is terrific. I read it and applied it to my next relationship-someone I fell in love with and wanted to marry. I went through the "phases" as stated in the book and when it got down to the "negotiation" phase, my boyfriend wanted to move to France, with me. Great! But, not without an engagement. Turns out he was not ready to be married. It was a very painful to think about being without him. To have my dreams of being married to him dissolve. Fortunaltely, I had learned that I would be putting myself through so much more pain and anguish if I had up-rooted my life without any commitment other than being a great boyfriend. So, I let him go.
Thanks to "Getting to I Do", painful decisions became easy to navigate because I knew I wanted to find the person who wanted to commit to me, who would not stand to see me go without the emotional commitment I needed. Two years, and couple of boyfriends later, at age 34, I have found the man of my dreams and we are getting married in Septmeber.
"Getting to I Do" has tought me to never compromise my feelings and that you don't have to argue in order to communicate. I am really thankful and grateful that I recieved this book, it has been a blessing!!!
Book Review: Life-changing book
Summary: 5 Stars
I worship Pat Allen. This book is absolutely fantastic and a must-read for anyone who needs help in the relationship department. I found it after a bad breakup and it absolutely revamped my entire way of dating and helped me find the love and relationship I have today. Even though it was written 20 years ago, everything still applies, and dating this way is guaranteed to find you the right guy.Book Review: MissM0
Summary: 5 Stars
I think this book is underrated. It's a great self-help book for those who are clueless about the roles that they exhibit when attracting the opposite sex.
For those choosing to be feminine, the book explained what behavior traits are feminine to attract an agressive mate. Vice Versa.
Also, how to prepare and handle different phases of a relationship:
- Flirting
- Courting
- Dating (perfect phase aka honeymoon phase,imperfect phase - how to handle conflict, negociating, and commitment.
I have sent this book to a few of my single girlfriends who were always complaining and were unaware of their destructive behavior patterns. To date, one of my referrals is married. :-)