On Apology
by Aaron Lazare M.D.
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Book Summary Information
Author: Aaron Lazare M.D.Edition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2005-11-03
ISBN: 0195189116
Number of pages: 320
Publisher: Oxford University Press, USA
Book Reviews of On Apology
Book Review: A Relational Imperative
Summary: 5 Stars
If you believe that living is a relational practice, reading Chancellor Lazare's book "On Apology" is a must! In this easy to read book - filled with dissected example after example - the author allows us to appreciate how the `apology' works as a relational process - it is a negotiation that is completed when the needs of the parties are satisfied.
In general, the person or entity apologizing is driven to this relationship healing act in response to an internal need to relieve strong feelings, or by the need to relieve strong external pressures. And, the recipient of the apology will have one or more of the following needs:
* Restoration of self-respect and dignity
* Assurance that both parties have shared values
* Assurance that the offenses were not their fault
* Assurance of safety in their relationships
* Seeing the offender suffer
* Reparation for the harm caused by the offense
* Having meaningful dialogues with the offenders
The author suggests that the successful apology has four parts: 1) acknowledgement of the specific offense and the feelings of the other party; 2) communicating remorse and the related attitudes of forbearance; 3) explanation, and; 4) reparation.
He also suggests that apologies fail due one or more of the following: 1) offering a vague and incomplete acknowledgement; 2) using the passive voice; 3) making the offense conditional; 4) questioning whether the victim was damaged; 5) minimizing the offense; 6) using the empathic "I'm sorry"; 7) apologizing to the wrong party, and; 8) apologizing for the wrong offense.
And, while the jury is out on the timing of the process - after things cool, or in the heat of the moment; it is never too late to apologize, as the apology and forgiveness are inextricably bound together. Also, as the author says you cannot apology in advance of the offense, I now apologize for the length of this review. Dennis DeWilde, author of "The Performance Connection"
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