When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage by Dave Harvey Summary and Reviews
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Book Reviews of When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage
Book Review: Not Your Standard Marriage Book; Maybe the Best I've Read
Summary: 5 Stars
Dave Harvey begins the book by making sure that you understand the doctrine of sin...the root of which is that you recognize that you are a sinner. Recognizing that both members of any marriage are sinners, have always been sinners, and forever will be sinners is a key place to start. Far too often we recognize that proposition (both spouses are sinners) to be a true theoretically true statement, but practically we act as if the other is the greater sinner. Harvey flips this on its head: I must go into marriage (indeed, into all relationships, recognizing that I am the worst sinner that I know).
Then, after recognizing sin, we can see the solution to sin: The gospel of the free grace of God, a gospel that saves from sin, but also a gospel that provides the power for ongoing forgiveness of sin and power over sin.
The bulk of the bulk is really just a primer on how to apply the gospel to various aspects of marriage. The book is far less a book on sin in marriage than it is on the grace of the gospel applied to marriage.
For this reason, ever since I first recommended this book, it is the first recommendation that I give to anybody looking for "marriage help". It is the first book I give to couples before they are married who are looking for a book to read together to prepare them for marriage. It would be the first book I give to a couple in a super healthy marriage. And it would be a book I would recommend to a single without even a potential mate who is trying to think rightly about dating and marriage.
Until we see the ravaging effects of sin on marriage - until I see the ravaging affects of MY sin on MY marriage - I won't recognize God's grace as the solution; I will be tempted to settle for the cheap fixes peddled in most other marriage books out there. My greatest problem isn't compatibility, lack of intimacy, or dulled romance; it is sin. And the solution is therefore first and foremost the gospel. Read this book to see how that fleshes itself out.
When you've finished this book, then I recommend you move onto the other best books on marriage I've read:
1. Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace
2. Feminine Appeal For women; Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know For men.
Book Review: Good introduction to grace in marriage, but not very deep
Summary: 4 Stars
If showing grace and forgiveness in marriage is still a new idea for you, then this book may be just right. However, if you're looking for a fresh, deeper level on a familiar but important topic, you ought to keep looking. Very important and valuable lesson, worthy of a long discussion, but not everyone will want to read this long book on a simple (but profound) idea. Thoroughly biblical and probably good for most young Christians.Book Review: Disappointing and confusing
Summary: 3 Stars
This book disappointed me. It discusses the general doctrine of sin, but provides few specific applications to marriage. My disappointment with the book may be due to the fact that the author cites dozens of Bible verses, but never references any of the numerous passages in the Bible on marriage! If you're writing a book on a topic that the Bible directly addresses, shouldn't your analysis incorporate the specific passages about your topic?
The book makes two points. First, spouses should acknowledge that they are sinners. Second, spouses should act as surgeons who point out sin in each others lives because `marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed.' With respect to the first point, I didn't find the book to be particularly helpful. I know I'm a sinner! What I look for in a Christian marriage book is a Biblical analysis of marital dynamics that pierces my deceitful heart with insight into how I sin against my husband. There is no such analysis in this book.
With respect to the second point, I found the book to be confusing. I had trouble reconciling the author's arguments with my understanding of Biblical texts on marriage. How is the `spouse as surgeon' consistent with Bible passages emphasizing that each spouse is to focus on his or her own behavior? In my own marriage, I've found that the best way to bring my husband under conviction about his contribution to a marital problem is to freely acknowledge my own sin. I don't seek forgiveness from my husband to bring him under conviction. Rather, I am to examine my own behavior and confess my sin because God me commands to do so. But, a marvelous byproduct is my husband's increased willingness to examine his behavior. At times, it almost sounded as if the author was arguing that a spouse should assume the role of the Holy Spirit. Finally, when presenting the `spouse as surgeon' model, the author makes no gender distinctions. How, for example, is the `spouse as surgeon' to be reconciled with I Peter 3:2, which encourages wives to influence sinning husbands `without a word' by `chaste and respectful behavior'?
Book Review: A book of "discovery"
Summary: 3 Stars
Harvey calls his book, "Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage," and that's exactly what his book is for, whether you're a newlywed or have been a couple for years, Harvey's book is applicable to all. Harvey includes not only biblical quotes, but also Shakespeare, and other theologian's quotations. Filled with snippets of Harvey's own life and marriage, he also quotes other couple's marriages and how we are all sinners and how that sin can get in the way of treating our spouse in a respectful, loving fashion as God would have wanted us to do.
Mercy is a real aspect of Jesus and as He stated, "When you can extend mercy to the spiteful, violent, selfish and wicked, you can extend it to those who annoy, ignore, or disappoint you." This is a book that is not only applicable to married couples, but to all of our relationships, to our families and friends and how we interact with them. Are we going to show mercy to someone that has upset us? And is that person really upsetting us, or are we letting that person control our feelings because in our hearts we are sinners first and foremost.
When you realize that you're a sinner you can be a better spouse, parent, friend, and a happier person. Anything that we do that isn't filled with sin is the grace of God at work. As Harvey says, "God wants Christians to delight in marriage. And He has made provision in the gospel to do so. But we can't truly understand the gospel, or even the basic problems of every marriage, until we come to terms with the undeniable reality of sin. Men and women (and me!) find real hope and help when we realize that God uses marriage to reveal the heart and change the soul. This discovery process is an adventure that lasts until death do us part." Real Christian advice that can have a grave difference in your life.
Armchair Interviews says: A real wake-up call that can change your life put in easy to understand language.
Book Review: Potentially the Best Marriage Book I've Read
Summary: 5 Stars
A person does not have to be married for long to realize that marriage is a lot more difficult than it may seem. Certainly it is a lot more difficult than God intended for it to be. With the fall into sin came the rise of the self, with the loss of perfection came the dominance of sin. Even the best marriages are now tainted by sin, by selfishness, by a distinct lack of love. Every marriage represents the joining of two sinners. Though they love each other, they fight constantly to love each other as much as they know they should.
While the shelves at bookstores, both Christian and mainstream, are groaning under the weight of books dealing with marriage, few of these books offer assistance with the root of all of the problems we encounter in our relationships. Few of them get to the heart of the matter, looking deep into the human heart and prescribing the biblical cure. Into this void steps Dave Harvey with his book When Sinners Say "I Do,", a book that is justly garnering much positive attention. C.J. Mahaney says it "provides clarity in conflict, hope in despair, and points the way to a joy-filled, God glorifying marriage." Jerry Bridges says it "will be helpful for any married couple whether they've been married five weeks or fifty years." And Randy Alcorn calls it "a wonderful book" that is "honest, refreshing, practical, and above all biblical." What has inspired these glowing endorsements is the book's focus on the harsh reality of sin and the beautiful reality of grace.
When Sinners Say "I Do" is a book that focuses a lot of attention on sin. In fact, the first half of the book focuses predominantly on this topic. This may seem unnecessary to some and even depressing to others, but to ignore sin is to ignore one of the greatest human realities. "My friends," writes Harvey, "when sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet." And so he writes about sin and grace in order to promote enjoyable, God-glorifying marriages. This is not a how-to book or a step-by-step to a happy marriage. It does not offer ancient secrets or knowledge that has until now been hidden. Rather, it simply offers the Bible's realistic take on the reality of human sin and the power of the gospel to build and sustain healthy, happy, marriages that honor and glorify God.
I can't say it better than Paul David Tripp. In the book's foreword he writes, "This book grasps at the core drama of every married couple. This drama is no respecter of race, ethnic origin, location, or period of history. It is the one thing that explains the doom and hope of every human relationship. It is the theme that is on every page of this book in some way. What is this drama? It is the drama of sin and grace." Harvey deals frankly, honestly and unrelentingly with sin and on the basis of that foundation allows grace to shine in all its beauty. Though every marriage for all time will be the union of two sinners, God is good to grant grace that we can have relationships that are strong, vibrant and that bring glory to God.
Piercing in its description of sin and unrelenting in pursuing sin to the deepest recesses of our hearts (and thus, of our relationships), When Sinners Say "I Do" is a most welcome contribution in a busy marketplace. I would unhesitatingly recommend this book to any couple and, indeed, to any single person as well. It is one of the best books on marriage and relationships that I have had the privilege of reading. We all need to see our sinner as bitter so that grace can be sweet. This book's biblical focus will bring both sin and the Savior into clear focus, helping us to build strong relationships centered upon Christ for His glory.